Saturday, December 22, 2012

Prepare The Way

With the 4th Sunday of Advent approaching and Christmas drawing near, I can't help but reflect on the path that God has lead me on in my life. My whole life I knew only one thing, that I was to be a wife and mother. I didn't realize that God was preparing me with every moment, well every moment I was actually listening and following Him.

I'd like to share my Wednesday with you. Dominic insisted we light the Advent wreath at breakfast, which we usually only do at dinner time. So light it I did and we sang "O Come O Come Emmanuel" and offered our days to God. I had a lot to do that day. I gave it to our Blessed Mother and ask she guide my day and help me get done only what Heaven wanted me to. Geoff had the day off so I was going out Christmas and grocery shopping while Doc and Daddy got some quality time together. I started the day around 11:30 with confession. Feeling pretty good afterwards, I headed to my first stop, a local resale shop. After I purchased a few gifts, I went to the car to realize I locked my keys inside. Fresh off a confession joy, it wasn't a big deal and I called my husband who promptly came to bail me out and unlock the doors.

Next it was off to the local Catholic Gift Store where I was blessed to work for 4 years, actually until the day Dominic was born. I collected the items I needed and right before checkout, my former co-worker mentioned that she needed to go pick up her daughter from school. She was a half hour late and was the only one there to man the store which was having a much needed busy time. I offered to man the store for her if she felt comfortable with it (it had been 2.5 years since I worked there aside from helping out a few times when needed.) She thanked me and said she'd be only 15 minutes and asked the Holy Spirit to help me remember how to run the register and such if I needed. It all came back to me quite easily and I sold $80 worth of goods. When she returned, I told her I had a lot to do and needed to get going but just after check out a gentleman walked through the door. He said hello but passed us and proceeded to go to the back (he was there to visit the boss man). My former co-worker called his name and introduced him to me as a future priest, a seminarian for the Diocese of Madison. We ended up chatting for a little, mostly about the Liturgy. I was very impressed to hear of his orthodoxy and love for Latin, he will be a great priest! The boss man came down and pressed him to tell me about some of the blessings God has given him. He seemed hesitant and very humble about it. The boss man told me this future priest had a gift of healing, spiritual and physical. The future priest expounded a little and told me about some incredible graces God has given him recently, which were so awesome I probably shouldn't share. After an astounding conversation, he ended up praying over me and afterwards, I can't even tell you the peace I felt. He then told me that I am right where God wants me at this moment. He said I am doing a wonderful job in my vocation as a wife and mother and that He called my two babies home to be with Him...God has a plan for our family. It was just what I needed to hear. You see I've been thinking about how one of the hardest adjustments for me with becoming a mother is giving up, or rather changing some aspects of my relationship with God. I can't make it to daily Mass everyday or wisk off to adoration whenever I want and stay all hours of the night. Truth be told I miss these things. But I know that my offerings in my wifely and motherly duties have much merit and can lead me to holiness in the same way, if I offer it all to Him. He reminded me of that. I left the store thanking God for taking charge of my day. Though I hadn't gotten much done and it was getting late, I knew that I locked the keys in my car and offered to man the store because otherwise, this encounter wouldn't have happened. It seems like it's been a while since God has been so blatantly visible in my day. I wonder if God would say that it's been a while since I've been so blatantly visible in His.

This Advent has been a very busy one. As we prepare to celebrate the birth of our Savior as a sweet little babe, i also prepare the way for the birth of the sweet little babe in my womb. The past 34 weeks has sure flown by and I can't believe that hour is drawing so near. We've been doing a lot to prepare the house for our homebirth, though much is left to be done. I feel my prayer this Advent could be better, but I've been trying hard to offer each daily action, each pregnancy discomfort, and each motherly challenge and joy as my prayer. I am feeling so very blessed today and thank God for being here, in my life every single day.

Heavenly Father,
You who through the incarnation gave us your only Son
and fulfilled your promise of salvation,
be with me in this time of Advent.
Show me how to be the voice crying out
and prepare the way of Your coming in my home,
in my family,
and in every aspect of my life. Amen.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Due Date

Celebrating today the brief life of our Michael Gerard.
Today would have been his due date
and I am grateful.
Oh so grateful for him.
I can feel the graces from his prayers
washing over our family 
showering us with the love of Heaven.
And what sweet love it is.
I am grateful for his big sister, Ellen
who he prays with unceasingly.
I am grateful for big brother Dominic
who is such a joy.
Who teaches me about the love of God everyday.
I am grateful for the new life growing in my womb.
Precious, sweet, little.
Growing every day.
Mostly I am grateful for the love of a man
who created all these wonderful children with me.
I am blessed.
God is good.

Friday, May 4, 2012

Singing. Writing. Praying.

Nothing like spending the evening on my front porch.
Guitar in hand.

My blogging absence can only be described as
my creativity and voice being put into song instead.

I've been working a lot on music.
Writing new songs.
New prayers.
I can't wait to share them.
I promise.

Friday, April 13, 2012

7 Quick Takes: IuseNFP and the Caracass Snatcher

**1** I am totally in love with the IUseNFP facebook page! Are you a fan yet? If not, you should be. The buttons. are. awesome. Especially this one.

And this one.

Oh and this one.

But not this one.

Because Michelle Duggar is in fact my idol.
**Update** My SIL reminded me that Michelle Duggar is NOT in fact my fashion idol. This is very true. When we are shopping I have many times said "I dunno this might be a little too Michelle Duggar." It is hard when I am shopping for long skirts.

**2** My husband just showed me this clip from Family Guy the other day.

Not a show either of us watch but this made me cry a lot. Ok I didn't really cry but the reality of it all was sad. It is kind of awesome they addressed this though. The sad part is I am sure a lot of people would rather have a fancy car, big house, horse, etc. over a house full of kids. Not me.

**3** I said to my husband at dinner tonight that I am going to be known as the carcass snatcher. He seemed to think that was a terrible idea because people would think I steal dead bodies. Human bodies. Let me just say for the record I have never stolen a human body. Okay now that that is clear, I have found myself asking at family functions (dinners not funerals), if I can have the bird carcass or beef bones to make homemade stock with. I got THREE turkeys this past Thanksgiving! I mean they are just gonna through them away and store bought stock cannot even come close to comparing to homemade stock. So delicious!

**4** Just because I am a little worried about the police knocking on my door, I do not steal dead bodies.

**5** As long as Dominic has been eating solids, we've given him a good, healthy, balanced diet. It is very important to me that he learns good food habits. Lately he has been not eating cooked veggies so much. What? I thought all two year olds LOVED cooked veggies! But Geoffrey started this awesome game while eating homemade soup (with delicious homemade stock) called "find this". He would say "Daddy found a carrot in his soup. Can Doc find a carrot?" He did, and ate it, and he loved this game! We tried it again the next day and it worked with all the veggies. WIN!

**6** For my birthday (April 3) my dear SIL gave me the ZUMBA Rush Fitness game for XBOX Kinect. I love it! I've been doing it at least 4 times a week and am feeling great to be working out and dancing! It is truly a fun workout. I am hoping it helps me shake some of these unwanted pounds off from the last pregnancy/misscarriage and hopefully before I get pregnant again. Anyway the other day I just finished working out and left the room really quick to do something. Dominic was dancing with me and knows how to perfect work the Kinect. So I come back into the room to find "confirm post to Facebook" on the screen. AHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! CANCEL CANCEL CANCEL!!! Pffhew that was a close one. I'm not sure exactly what it would've posted, probably just the stats of my workout, but my fear is that it was going to post a video of me dancing. Now I love the Zumba game, but I am no dancer. I am quite terrible actually. Oh how embarrassing this would have been!

**7** I really hesitated to post my last post. I don't want to be negative or make people think I am super depressed. I'm not even a little depressed, just overcome sometimes with it all. But it was very nice to get some thoughts out. I feel bad though that I completely blew over the fact that it is Easter. HAPPY EASTER! We had a blessed Tridduum and Easter Sunday. I hope you did too.

For more quick takes check Jen out!

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Fertility Issues

Sorry for the silence lately, I've been thinking a lot, too much. I believe in staying positive, and trusting in God's plan, but sometimes it is so hard. Since our second miscarriage two months ago, I've been seeing a Creighton Fertility specialist. My cycles as far as I can tell have always been pretty normal, but now they are all messed up. It is suspect that I might have a Post Luetal Phase Defect, though I won't have hormone testing till later this month. Basically what this most likely means is that my progesterone levels are too low to maintain a pregnancy naturally. Again right now this is all my speculation based off of charting and such.

I am so ready to be pregnant again and to have another baby. I have been for over a year. Some women have no problem getting pregnant while breastfeeding but that didn't turn out to be me. Dominic nursed every two hours until 15m old and nursed very frequently until about 18m. I am sure this kept me from getting pregnant, though I don't regret on demand nursing him one bit. He was 18 m when I did get pregnant. He still nurses once or twice a day with skipping sometimes (signs he is weaning). It is possible I think that it could be a factor, maybe my progesterone levels are suppressed more than normal while bf? I won't know for sure what the issue is however until I get the testing done and right now, the wait is killing me. A few weeks ago I thought I might be pregnant, and I was terrified. Knowing that my babies have died at 5.5/6 weeks (though I don't misscarry for another 8 weeks!) I was terrified because I knew if I was pregnant, I was already 3-4 weeks. It would mean I had 1, 2 weeks at the most to fix my progesterone problems and it was honestly, maybe too late already. Though I really want to be pregnant, the thought of another miscarriage is so scary. I don't want to bury another child. Obviously I wasn't pregnant.

Lately I've been getting a lot "when are you going to have another one?" or "I bet you're ready for another". These questions are certainly innocent and well-meaning, but painful none-the-less. I feel so many women take for granted that they can get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term, when they want. It isn't such a luxury for everyone. Though I do know I am blessed more than many women to have one wonderful child on earth and two waiting for me in Heaven. Still on most days when I am longing so much for another I just try and pray hard. I long ago turned my fertility over the God, I just need to remember that vow.

The future is uncertain, as I suppose it always is. I find myself struggling though, struggling with what my I thought my family would look like after almost 5 years of marriage. My heart is longing for something so much.  I always thought I would have child after child; big family, close in age. I thought this was from God. But maybe I need to let this dream go. His will is better than mine, perfect in fact. And who knows? Maybe 10 yrs down the road as I chase my small army around, I will laugh at all this. I need to trust. I need to trust. I need to trust.

Only Heaven knows what will happen. God-willing this fertility issue will be an easy fix and we will conceive again soon, but in the mean time I think I need a sign on my wall that says "I have three children". It helps in those few moments when I am feeling a little sad, which are usually when Dominic is asleep because let's face it, it is hard to be sad when he brings me such joy.

Right now I am trying to...
Stay positive
Hope in God
Carry my cross
Offer up my suffering
Be joyful
Keep my eyes fixed on Heaven
Love my children and husband like only Jesus has loved.

Friday, March 23, 2012

7 Quick Takes: Original Song!

Visit Jen for more!

**1** I posted a new original song yesterday! This is nothing short of a miracle really, to have recorded a song in a quiet house (it was nap time). I am hoping I can do this on a very regular basis. In case you missed it, please take a minute to check it out and let me know what you think. Thanks!

**2** I actually wrote the song shortly before Dominic was born (or maybe after, I don't remember), but haven't got a chance to share it with people. I haven't "played out" in a concert setting for two years so this is kind of a big deal for me.

**3** Do you see the strategically placed daffodils behind me? Aren't they perty? There are SOO many outside in my flower beds that I am loving having fresh homegrown flowers inside. Even better, I've been putting them in my newly acquired blue glass Ball jars. I plan on doing this with the jars eventually.  They will go in my bathroom and hold toothbrushes, combs, etc. Thanks Pinterest!

**4** Tomorrow I am going to see Bring It On: The Musical in Chi-Town. Laugh if you want, but I am sure you are jealous deep down inside. Those movies, all 18 of them are so bad, they are hilarious. I don't have many guilty pleasures, but this is one of them. I love musicals so this is a perfect girls day out with my sister, mom, and two sils. Can't wait!

**5** I went to the Stand Up for Religious Freedom rally today in Rockford, IL. It was AWESOME! We had Mass with Bishop Doran, heard some great speakers, and protested the HHS mandate. There were over 500 people there. It was so beautiful. Mostly, it was just nice to feel rejuvenated in this fight. It was Dominic's first protest/rally and I can't think of a better cause.

**6** I wrote a post the other day are Why I Veil. I've always been mostly a traditional chapel veil type of girl but then a friend pinned the below picture and I swooned over every single item Garlands of Grace sells.

It is so beautiful! I want to get one, maybe two (blue and pink) and I'd love to wear them as a more no fuss chapel veil. But really I think I might get into the habit of wearing them around the house on days when my hair doesn't have a prayer of being washed and I am spending the day cooking, cleaning, gardening, and mothering. I love the idea of it.

**7** I will leave you with my proud mama moment of the week. Dominic found a Batman video game, brought it up to me in the kitchen and said with big puppy dog eyes "mommy, play Batman game please?" He has never seen the game, and I've maybe once showed him a picture of Batman and told him who it was (we are HUGE Batman fans in this house). Needless to say, I was quite proud. It was hard to refuse, but since A. it is completely age inappropriate in every way and B. we have a no TV or Xbox during the day rule, I had to say no. 

Have a great weekend!

Thursday, March 22, 2012

My Music: All Yours

Here goes nothing.

This is All Yours by yours truly.

By Dacia Wells
I want to be all Yours and hold nothing back.
I know that I don’t have much to give, but I have Your love. Yeah.
How can I make a return to the God who gave me everything?
Power and riches will fade but Your love remains.
All that the world says I need I have no desire for.
Empty and worthless to me they are.
Consume my heart with Your Heavenly fire oh Lord I will dwell with You, forever.
I can feel Your presence stirring in my soul.
Nothing can ever compare to Heaven’s joy. Yeah.
This world try as it may to please me,
giving all that its got still falls so short.
For having tasted the love that awaits me,
Nothing yeah nothing can pull me away.
Consume my heart with Your Heavenly fire oh Lord I will dwell with You.
Consume my heart with Your Heavenly fire oh Lord I will dwell with You.
Consume my heart with Your Heavenly fire oh Lord I will dwell with You.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

A Return to Catholic Music

It is really why I started this blog.
Praying Twice.
It was supposed to be an outlet to share my own music
but got somewhat lost of mommyhood.
I'm not complaining, I love being a mom.
First, wife and mother is my vocation.

I do believe God gave me gifts and talents
and I don't wanna bury them in the ground.
Out of fear.
Out of laziness.
I've had some success with my music
but really abandoned it all.
I'm ready to get back to it,
if it be God's will.
Lets see where He takes me.
Maybe nowhere.
His will be done.

I will have some vids with new songs up soon.
I'd love to hear your thoughts.
If you like what you hear,
spread the word.

Also I'm going to bring you some of my favorite Catholic music out there
in a series called

Some I've opened up for, and some, well I am just a huge fan.
I will share their music, why I love them, and even some interviews.
It is so important the we support current Catholic music
because it is awesome,
people using their talents for God's glory.
AND being totally Catholic!

Monday, March 19, 2012

Why I Veil

A scarf I sometimes use as a veil.
A few years ago, maybe 4, I felt a longing in my heart to veil during Mass.
I didn't know anything about the practice,
nor did I know anyone who veiled.
I didn't understand why I was feeling this at the time,
but I did know God was calling me to take up this practice.
It was the exact same way He called me to receive the Holy Eucharist on the tongue.
It was something I felt in my heart was the right thing to do,
even though (at the time) I didn't know the concrete reasons.
In both instances, I was afraid, a coward.
No one in my Parish veiled and I really didn't want to stand out or be thought of as a holy rolling weirdo (though I'm pretty sure I already was.)
Still, my pride held me back.
Year after year,
I felt the longing in my soul every time I was in a Sacred place to be veiled.
It just wouldn't quit.
When I worked at my local Catholic Store (before Dominic was born)
someone came in and asked if we carried chapel veils.
We didn't, but I knew we should.
First I decided to do some research on the practice and read stuff like this,
which spoke to my tradition loving self
but didn't really convince me that I "needed to" veil.
I looked online at some pretty veils to order for the store and decided,
why don't I ask my Grandma?
After work I went to her house and asked if she used to veil,
and is so, if she still had her veil.
I knew she would, us Meisinger women don't throw good things out.
She gave it to me let me borrow it to help pick veils for the store
and it did help.
I never gave it back.
Sorry Grandma!
Every Sunday before going to Mass, I would look at this beautiful vintage white lace Spanish veil and dream of taking it with me and wearing it.
My lame excuse was I just didn't want to be a distraction.
But God kept calling me. Asking me. Pleading with me.
I needed to veil.
Two years ago I took a job at a Parish a couple towns over as a Director of Youth Ministry.
At this beautiful Parish, which I know call home,
I attended my first Extraordinary Form of the Mass.
I wore my (Grandma's) veil for the first time.
There I didn't stand out as there were plenty of veiled women.
It felt right.
I felt, beautiful.
I felt like a woman.
A woman acknowledging God's creation.
When I next attended the Ordinary Form,
I knew it would be hypocritical not to veil,
so I did.
And have ever since.
I love it.
It does not make me more modest, or reverent than women who don't veil,
but it does make ME more modest and reverent than when I didn't.
At Mass, the Earthly veil is lifted and we are literally IN HEAVEN.
All the Saint and all the Angels are present,
and Jesus our Lord and Saviour is physically present.
Call me weak, but I need to veil myself to remember this.
I think some women look at veiling as demeaning.
I think nothing could be farther from the truth.
What is a veil if not something that honors the beauty underneath?
We veil what is Holy.
Traditionally the tabernacle is veiled because in it is the Holy of Holies.

Women, is holy because she carries life, 
a new soul, in her womb.
Which is why contraception is such a sin,
it is denying who God created us to be.
The Theology of the veil reveals much to us.
It reveals to me that
God made me.
He made me for Him.
He made me for my husband.
All of God's good creation echos and honors Him.
When I veil, it reminds me that my body is in fact,
a veil.
A veil honoring true beauty I am,
that of my soul.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Put Love There-In Action

So quite possibly the best thing I took home from the Behold Conference was this. I am so terrible at explaining things in detail, especially if I didn't take notes, but Sarah did it so perfectly. Put Love There. When Sister Elizabeth spoke of this, I felt the way I looked at my busy toddler change. I pray and try so hard to be gentle, loving, and kind to my little sweetie, but sometimes it is just so hard when I tell him not to do something for the 30th time in one day. While Sister was speaking, I wrote this:

Just be love. Instead of correcting and disciplining, just love and be gentle. Instead of seeing my child, look at Dominic as a beautiful soul, made by God who needs further nourishing; a beautiful flower which needs watering. Just love. Sweet, tender, love.

I've been really doing my best to put this into action these past couple days. I've always delighted in him, but now it is easier to delight in his whole self, not just the part that does what I want him to. It is more about changing MY behavior, than his. This post comes to mind. Dominic is only two, and is a wonderful, joyful little guy. A very wise mom and dear friend of mine always says, "sure I could get her to be quiet, sit still, and do everything I say, but it would be changing the very person she is."

Certainly there are some things that need to be reprimanded or require discipline, but when I truly think about it the list of such occurrences is much shorter than I think. So when I am frustrated, if he isn't in danger or isn't doing something sinful, perhaps it is best to take a step back and just delight in him and act out of love. Indeed, thank you Sister and Sarah.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012


Last Saturday I went to the Behold Conference and it was Ahhh-mazing. I feel so blessed that it is only a 2 hr drive from my home. I went with some wonderful friends and we are already making plans for next year to go and bring just about each and every woman we know with us. I also got to meet the beautiful Sarah whose blog was probably the first I ever started reading years ago. Anyway here are some of my highlights/thoughts.

The talks were great. They echoed JPII in talking about how God made the world and everything in it, made man, and then realized something was missing. So He made women, the crowning achievement of His creation. Wow. Awesome. We are all created in His image, man and woman. Though very different, we each reveal something about who God is. Woman shows God is gentle, nurturing, and beautiful. We should also embrace and love all the gifts God created each of us individually with, and ask what He would like us to do with those gifts.

Kate Wicker spoke about body image and how it is important to take care of the body God gave us. We all have something about us physically that we aren't quite happy with, but to hate our bodies or what we look like, is to deny God's creative genius. She was also hilarious!

Marie Miller played some amazing music for us. Check her out-we need to support Catholic musicians! 

At the Conference there was an awesome "meet the bloggers" aspect. Some popular Catholic women bloggers were sitting at tables in the back so meet us readers and to sign books and such. It was pretty cool. I got to meet Jen and thank her for her hilarious and faithful writing. She said my cowboy boots rocked, and she's right, they totally do. I also met Mrs. Betty Beguiles, Hallie. She looked so cute and vintage-y just like knew she would. I think next year I will bring a cardtable and have my own table in the section to meet the bloggers whom no one has heard of and whose blogs are read by their mom's, best friend, and Louise. Why yes, I will sign that book you are holding!

There were 600 women there. Simply amazing. You know you are at a Catholic Conference when half of the crowd is pregnant or has a newborn in tow (most of which are being breastfed or worn in a wrap/sling at any giving time.) Love it.

On the way out of the Conference, a beautiful Sister of Life handed me a pamphlet of discernment and sweetly invited me to the discerning retreat for their order. I said thank you so much but I am already discerned. I am telling myself that it was because i looked so young and holy that she handed me the pamphlet, but in reality it was probably because I looked like I need a lot of guidance and help. Trust me Sister, I do.

In all seriousness, it was such an amazing day. We were truly pampered with delicious Lent sacrifice-killing food and drink. Best of all, there was Mass, ongoing adoration, and confession. The speakers were great and the fellowship, even better. I even heard there was a mommy room for private nursing, pumping, changing etc. with the works in it, which I also heard wasn't big enough for our baby-making crowd.

What I took home from the Behold Conference was a clean and renewed soul. I felt the whole time that I would LOVE to do what Marie Miller did. What a blessing it would be to play and sing at women's retreats and conferences. I created this blog to really share my music and haven't done much of that. I hope going forward that I can do that so much more and maybe getting my music ministry going again.

Thanks to Bonnie for Behold! I will be there next year.

Friday, March 9, 2012

7 Quick Takes: Birthday, Behold, and Bowling

Today is my little Dominic's birthday!! He is two and I can hardly believe it. I truly enjoy his company and being his mom so very much. I love all the cute little things he does, one of my favorite is when he excitedly yells "We're here!!!" whenever we arrive someplace in the car. Another favorite is when we ask him "Do you know where daddy (or anything else) is?" "Yes" he says. "Oh good, where is he?" "Neh hiding." But probably my absolute favorite is when he eats something like dog food, or has a drinking of dirty two day old water in a cup in the sink and says "mmmm it's so so good." I reply "no it's icky dont do that!" to which he insists again "yumm so so tasty!" Oh boy what a character.

So we've been working on the whole "Dominic how old are you?" thing for a while now. He can say two, and hold up two fingers, but so matter how much we insist the answer to that questions is "two" he'd rather say he is five. Oh well, three more years we will be set!

 For Doc's birthday breakfast today I made cinnamon roll french toast. He and Geoff really enjoyed it. Geoff took the day off which I think is probably the best birthday present for Doc.

Dominic is obsessed with playing XBOX Kinect Bowling. He wants to play all. the. time. During the day (when the TV is not allowed to be on) I must hear "Xbox kinect bowling?" a million times. But it is a fun activity to do in the evening and I must say he is pretty good at it.

I've talked before a little about how I am a Director of Youth Ministry. During Lent our youth put on Fish Fry Dinners every Friday, so this is my really busy time at work. It has been so much fun and so very tasty.

I am going to the BEHOLD CONFERENCE TOMORROW!! I am so very excited. It is in my back yard (well a two hr drive) and I feel so blessed. I am going with some friends and my mom and think we are all in need of a nice day retreat. I hope to come home renewed and a stronger woman of God. Is anyone else going??

 Some cute pictures. Because I couldn't resist!

See Jen for more quick take fun!

Sunday, February 26, 2012

The Burial

When we lost our first child, Ellen Mary, I miscarried naturally at home. Through the shock, pain, and sorrow of it all, I was unable to find the body of our baby. I wanted so badly to bury her, to have that physical act of mourning and a place to visit. I had even made the arrangements with our Parish to purchase a plot and such. To this day I think about it often and regret that we never got to bury our child.

When we found out that we had once again lost a child, I knew this time I needed to bury him. I miscarried at home two days after we found out he had died and pleaded with our Blessed Mother to help me find the body. I did. I gently cleaned him and his sweet little face, then wrapped him in a pretty cloth. 

Our wonderful pastor made arrangements for the burial. I went to our local Catholic Store, where I used to work, and tried to buy a beautiful wooden box for the casket (I say tried because Colleen, my friend and former boss wouldn't let me pay for it bless her heart.) It was a baptismal keepsake box; it was perfect. I decided that I wanted to make a baby blanket to wrap him in so my dear SIL taught me how to crochet. I made him this:

It was nice to make a gift for him. In the casket we also placed these pictures which we took right after we found out I was pregnant. We were SO happy  that I wanted to remember that moment forever. It was important to bury it with Michael because from the moment we new he existed, we loved him so very much. He is part of our family.

On Christmas day we surprised our families with the good news. Dominic wore this shirt and we had so much fun listening to people's reaction when they noticed. We buried this picture too.

I wrapped the casket in a rosary and tied a ribbon around with a St. Michael/Guardian Angel medal and a Miraculous medal.

On a Saturday afternoon, we got all dressed in black and headed to the cemetery. It was cold sunny. Geoff, Dominic, and I met Fr. Lange who was wearing his beautiful black and gold vestments. Brain (who works at our Church and who was my prayer buddy during advent) was also there. Geoffrey sweetly held Dominic who rested his head on his daddy's shoulder. Brian placed the casket in the ground and Fr. lead us in the most beautiful service I have ever seen. Tears streamed down my face and I was overcome. The words were so comforting and as he spoke them, I could feel God's mercy washing over me. When the words ceased, Fr. sprinkled some Holy Water over the grave and the swervice was over. I turned to Geoffrey and buried my face into his chest. We cried together.

The next morning I woke up and for the first time in the past week and a half, I felt like I had the strength to get through the day. Though the pain of our loss would never really leave me, I felt God had healed me through our Priest and the act of burying our child. Michael Gerard, our third child. I think about him every day. I wonder what he looks like and can't wait until the day when I will finally get to take him into my arms. Until that day, I will unceasingly call upon the intercession of our little Saint.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Let It Out

I know that my child, Michael Gerard is in Heaven. I am happy for him and feel blessed to have another advocate for our family. I talk to him, think of him, and love him. But there are some things I just need to say, because they are true. They are hard for me to get out because I don't like to complain, and I believe it is so important to be positive and focus on the good, otherwise the bad will consume you. I am not "depressed", and truth be told, we are doing pretty well but I am still mourning. Maybe putting these things in writing will help me heal. I don't want sympathy, or even to be consoled. I just want to get it out.

I miss being pregnant.
I miss my baby belly.
I miss the way my husband rubs my belly, knowing he is saying hi to his tiny baby.
I miss planning my homebirth.
I miss being excited about experiencing childbirth again.
I miss Dominic running to kiss my expanding belly while saying "baby".
I miss feeling like I am the most special person in the world, because I had a growing infant, a new life, a new soul inside me.
I miss sharing our "good news."
I miss doing crazy things like drinking homemade green smoothies for the health of my baby.
I miss wondering how Dominic would be as a big brother.
I miss saying "when the baby comes".
I miss the thought that soon i'd be able to feel him move, kick, hold him, kiss his face.
I miss just being with him, feeling so close and in love with this baby i'd never even seen.
I miss thinking about all the things we would do the same, and the few things I would do different than with Dominic.
I miss wondering if he would be a good nurser, if he would like to sleep in our bed or by himself, if he would love the Moby, baths, singing, choo choos, Payton, and on and on.
I miss our baby...

But I still wonder if he looks just like his daddy.
One thing I do know is, he is perfect.
He is God's.
He is our child.
He is with his sister.
And one day, I will hug him so tight.

I am also praying God blesses us again soon.

Sweet Little One

With love for our third child, Michael Gerard.

Oh sweet little one, whom my arms long to hold
Heaven's gain is our loss.
Playing in It's fields, skipping along
with your sister hand in tow.

Just mine for a little while,
though I guess you never really were.
Made out of love with a beautiful soul
Never blemished by the world.

So perfect and innocent
So holy, our little Saint
Waiting for us to whisper your name
and pray.

Oh joy and sorrow of a precious short life
made in His image and born into light.
We call you by your name
our child we know you, though unseen.

I see your face when I close my eyes,
and hear your voice in my heart.
Together one day, we'll eternally be
and our family, finally complete.

So perfect and innocent
So holy, our little Saint
Waiting for us to whisper your name
and pray.