Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Let It Out

I know that my child, Michael Gerard is in Heaven. I am happy for him and feel blessed to have another advocate for our family. I talk to him, think of him, and love him. But there are some things I just need to say, because they are true. They are hard for me to get out because I don't like to complain, and I believe it is so important to be positive and focus on the good, otherwise the bad will consume you. I am not "depressed", and truth be told, we are doing pretty well but I am still mourning. Maybe putting these things in writing will help me heal. I don't want sympathy, or even to be consoled. I just want to get it out.

I miss being pregnant.
I miss my baby belly.
I miss the way my husband rubs my belly, knowing he is saying hi to his tiny baby.
I miss planning my homebirth.
I miss being excited about experiencing childbirth again.
I miss Dominic running to kiss my expanding belly while saying "baby".
I miss feeling like I am the most special person in the world, because I had a growing infant, a new life, a new soul inside me.
I miss sharing our "good news."
I miss doing crazy things like drinking homemade green smoothies for the health of my baby.
I miss wondering how Dominic would be as a big brother.
I miss saying "when the baby comes".
I miss the thought that soon i'd be able to feel him move, kick, hold him, kiss his face.
I miss just being with him, feeling so close and in love with this baby i'd never even seen.
I miss thinking about all the things we would do the same, and the few things I would do different than with Dominic.
I miss wondering if he would be a good nurser, if he would like to sleep in our bed or by himself, if he would love the Moby, baths, singing, choo choos, Payton, and on and on.
I miss our baby...

But I still wonder if he looks just like his daddy.
One thing I do know is, he is perfect.
He is God's.
He is our child.
He is with his sister.
And one day, I will hug him so tight.

I am also praying God blesses us again soon.


  1. It is heartbreaking; all the excitement, hope and invested dreams in that future dashed away. This was a beautiful, heartfelt post, I'm glad you shared. (((Dacia)))