Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Fertility Issues

Sorry for the silence lately, I've been thinking a lot, too much. I believe in staying positive, and trusting in God's plan, but sometimes it is so hard. Since our second miscarriage two months ago, I've been seeing a Creighton Fertility specialist. My cycles as far as I can tell have always been pretty normal, but now they are all messed up. It is suspect that I might have a Post Luetal Phase Defect, though I won't have hormone testing till later this month. Basically what this most likely means is that my progesterone levels are too low to maintain a pregnancy naturally. Again right now this is all my speculation based off of charting and such.

I am so ready to be pregnant again and to have another baby. I have been for over a year. Some women have no problem getting pregnant while breastfeeding but that didn't turn out to be me. Dominic nursed every two hours until 15m old and nursed very frequently until about 18m. I am sure this kept me from getting pregnant, though I don't regret on demand nursing him one bit. He was 18 m when I did get pregnant. He still nurses once or twice a day with skipping sometimes (signs he is weaning). It is possible I think that it could be a factor, maybe my progesterone levels are suppressed more than normal while bf? I won't know for sure what the issue is however until I get the testing done and right now, the wait is killing me. A few weeks ago I thought I might be pregnant, and I was terrified. Knowing that my babies have died at 5.5/6 weeks (though I don't misscarry for another 8 weeks!) I was terrified because I knew if I was pregnant, I was already 3-4 weeks. It would mean I had 1, 2 weeks at the most to fix my progesterone problems and it was honestly, maybe too late already. Though I really want to be pregnant, the thought of another miscarriage is so scary. I don't want to bury another child. Obviously I wasn't pregnant.

Lately I've been getting a lot "when are you going to have another one?" or "I bet you're ready for another". These questions are certainly innocent and well-meaning, but painful none-the-less. I feel so many women take for granted that they can get pregnant and carry a healthy baby to term, when they want. It isn't such a luxury for everyone. Though I do know I am blessed more than many women to have one wonderful child on earth and two waiting for me in Heaven. Still on most days when I am longing so much for another I just try and pray hard. I long ago turned my fertility over the God, I just need to remember that vow.

The future is uncertain, as I suppose it always is. I find myself struggling though, struggling with what my I thought my family would look like after almost 5 years of marriage. My heart is longing for something so much.  I always thought I would have child after child; big family, close in age. I thought this was from God. But maybe I need to let this dream go. His will is better than mine, perfect in fact. And who knows? Maybe 10 yrs down the road as I chase my small army around, I will laugh at all this. I need to trust. I need to trust. I need to trust.

Only Heaven knows what will happen. God-willing this fertility issue will be an easy fix and we will conceive again soon, but in the mean time I think I need a sign on my wall that says "I have three children". It helps in those few moments when I am feeling a little sad, which are usually when Dominic is asleep because let's face it, it is hard to be sad when he brings me such joy.

Right now I am trying to...
Stay positive
Hope in God
Carry my cross
Offer up my suffering
Be joyful
Keep my eyes fixed on Heaven
Love my children and husband like only Jesus has loved.

1 comment:

  1. {{{Hugs}}} I'm praying you find answers real soon...